Physiological analysis of depression

Being somewhat prone to a 'negative outlook', I have sunk once more into my cyclical bout of depression. As sure as the sun will set and the moon will rise its shiny head above the night's sky, this waxing and waning emotional cycle will remain with me throughout the rest of my life.

I hate myself for writing these negative words, and failing the strength to change myself for the better.

My psychological symptoms are predictable, boring, and barely worth mentioning. 'Selfish', 'superficial', and 'loser-ish' have also cut through the air in this household.

As a PhD student in a physiology laboratory, I observe with interest the inverse relationship between declining psychological health and increasing physiological symptoms. These include excessive tiredness,  headaches, a feeling of distance from the external world, inability to put thoughts into words, concentration problems, lack of appetite, and extreme sensitivity to noise. Random heart palpitations are a new addition to the list, which I cannot pass off as the result of excessive coffee consumption.

I often wonder at the neurotransmitter balance within my brain during times such as these. I imagine any precious few-and-far-between 'positive' neural connections breaking down through lack of use, and new 'negative' synapses forming and strengthening, like a spider's web of hate that you will never get out of your hair. Only one option, and that's to cut it off.

But how did this happen in the first place? I've recounted my activities over the past few weeks, looking for a cause, and come up with many possibilities:

1. Tiredness. Going to bed late, waking up early and snoozing through the alarm, rather than just sleeping to a decent hour and getting up straight away. (I've always hated people who do that previously!)

2. Overworking without sufficient rest times. Several 7am to 7pm work days in one week, and insufficient time off over the weekend.

3. Lack of normal social interaction. Inhabiting a darkened microscope room, alone with my thoughts but without any light or human contact for the majority of the day.

5. Alcohol. Fantastic, delicious, stress-relieving wine that caused me to go into a state of excessive hyperactivity in the face of little-experienced human contact, followed by a depression hangover from my depleted excitatory neurotransmitter reserves.

I cannot yet claim that I've fallen into a deep pit of depression. But the quicksand is tugging at my ankles, and climbing... Best to punch it in the face early on, and tell it to f*ck off back to the depths of my warped psyche where I usually hide it.