Don't leave me alone

[Delete]

I just wrote and deleted a whole bunch of random thoughts in order to free my mind so that I can proceed with this blog post.

I'm not sleeping too well lately. Maybe it's the underlying stress of starting in a new workplace and having to learn a million new things every day. Having to interact with new people. Having to feel embarrassed everytime I ask a question. Having to feel stupid when I don't understand...

When I turn the light off, I'm too scared to move. My mind sees long curly black fingers snaking their way around my wardrobe door. Yellow eyes peer at me from the other side of my bed. I can't turn the light off, and when it's off I can't turn it back on. I don't want to roll over or move in case this makes something scary happen.

Anxiety. Fear. Same thing maybe? Maybe I'm in 'flight' mode during work hours, and promptly fall into 'fright' mode at home.

Speaking of flights, I think part of my problem can also be attributed to watching too many programs that force me to contemplate death. Yes, I'm talking about Air Crash Investigation. And yes, I'm flying later this week, through the ash cloud...

How do you rid your mind of these silly fearful thoughts? I'm like a child, who needs to climb into her parents' bed. Except her parents are in another country. And don't comfort her anymore anyway now that she's 'all grown up'. Like in 'Saw', the bad man could come to get me, and my parents wouldn't believe me.

Yes, I've looked behind me since I've started writing this. I can hear sounds that aren't there and the back of my neck is prickling. Calm down, amygdala.

[So I just went downstairs and turned on the TV, to witness a graphic description of rape by a battered woman. Clearly I have every reason to be afraid of nothing in the night, as 'nothing' isn't necessarily so...]

I've tried placing these fearful fantasies inside some silly context. Like a child's birthday party suddenly breaking out in my room. But this always leads to clowns, and we all know that clowns are petrifying.

Question: What is a 'fearful fantasy'? That is, an 'imagination' that you experience whilst fully awake?

Everyone always associate fantasies with good thoughts inside your head. But the opposite of a good dream is a nightmare, and I hope that nightmares never become a reality!